Earlier this week I posted about how the biggest hurdle for me in the summer isn’t my body confidence, or my willingness to wear shorts – It’s that there are some real barriers to my comfort during hot weather. Things like sweat marks and chafing, that make dressing comfortably really hard, regardless of my emotional comfort in more revealing clothing.
That post was really the starting point. Writing it made me realize that there is a part of the summer (or winter – or any season really) that is more of an actual barrier for me, and this issue is nearly impossible for me to overcome on my own. Painful chafing and embarrassing sweat are frustrating, but manageable.
The issue I’m talking about is a lack of equipment that is safe for me in this body. Nothing is made for me by default. A lot of outdoor equipment and play structures are made with a 200 – 300 lb weight limit, if it’s even rated and posted. These limits prevent me from enjoying activities others participate in during warm weather. And they really limit my confidence when I’m playing with my son.
Terrified in a ‘safe’ space.
On Saturday I met a girlfriend and her son at a new local indoor playplace. It was so fun – our kids are both almost two and they had so much fun running around, climbing on things, and throwing ball pit balls. But there was a problem. I found myself panicking about what I would do if Knox went somewhere I couldn’t get him from. I was looking around at a lot of the other parents climbing up on the equipment with their kids, and sliding down the slides, climbing into tunnels to extract stubborn toddlers, etc. I started frantically looking around for a sign saying the weight limit for the equipment, or even evidence of another large-bodied parent safely joining their children. I couldn’t see any. No signs. No stickers. Nothing.
Normally I would rely on my husband in these situations. I think a lot of women do. My husband is my same height, but he weighs 50 – 75lbs less than me, and he is a lot more spry. I often volunteer him to be the one who does the activity, or chases after our son because I assume he has less of these concerns than I do. (As I type this I realize I have never discussed this with my husband, and probably should!)
Well, it eventually happened. My son got really far into an enclosed climbing structure, and couldn’t get out. I could see his scared face, and hear his pleading “Mama hep! Mama hep!” through the plexi-glass. At that moment I had to make a choice – go in and help him, or ask a smaller bodied person to go for me. Both options terrified me, but his face and pleads took over and ‘mama bear’ (I legit hate this term) took over. I ducked into the enclosure and started climbing up the platforms.
I could feel the platforms giving a little under my weight. I was terrified that I would break this thing – maybe making a large noise or big disruption in the process. I moved as little as I could. I widened my base – trying to avoid making a focused area of pressure. Really trembling with fear and panic, while at the same time trying to remain cool and calm for my son. In the end I got my son out, and nothing broke. But that didn’t make it any more terrifying for me. I really was so afraid. I’m crying now typing out this story.
This is real for us.
Usually when adults have a fear like this, it’s less rational, or catastrophizing. Fear of public speaking or fear of heights – these fears are often based on an imagined outcome. But my fear in these situations is warranted, and based on lived experiences. I don’t know a fat person who hasn’t actually broken a chair, or heard a crack when standing on a deck, etc.
I once fell through a board on a dock in a lake in BC. I was alone, and when I finally pulled myself back up I was terrified I’d fall in again. And then I had to limp back up to the cabin where all my (thin) girlfriends were partying, and tell them why I was bruised and bleeding. They didn’t recognize (or maybe they did, and didn’t acknowledge) the trauma I was experiencing. They teased me about falling through what they said was a perfectly sound dock. I had to spend 2 more days at that cabin, and was living in absolute terror every single time we went down to the lake.
Platforms, play structures, decks and docks aren’t the only concern here. A lot of activities and activity based equipment are also weight restricted. Rides, bouncy castles, pool equipment, slides, camping chairs, sun loungers, stand up paddleboards, life-jackets, you name it. And these are all activities I’d love to participate in with my family – spending quality time with my son, and modeling an active lifestyle for him.
This is hard for us.
When my girlfriends and I stayed at that lake cabin, the hostess told us not to worry, they had lots of life jackets there. All the girls were able to safely borrow life jackets from the host family. Not me. I ended up wearing the dad’s life jacket (the biggest one they had) and it still didn’t fit me properly. And don’t get me started on the strength of character it takes to ask for these accommodations. When you’re out with a group of friends, and they all decide to float down the river, or take the boat for a spin – It’s hard to speak up and say “the equipment we have here will not work for me. I can’t participate safely.” Or when you’re at an indoor playground with your son, and he gets trapped and afraid inside a piece of equipment, it’s devastating to have to ask someone else to go fetch him for you.
Growing up I was an avid biker. I went for long rides around the Glenmore Reservoir a few times a week. My friends and I biked EVERYWHERE. My dad would take us on bike rides in the summer. I want to go on family rides with my son – especially out camping, but I cannot find a bike that is rated for my weight. I have been searching online, and every time I find out about one that is rated for larger bodies, it’s sold out, or not carried in Canada. It breaks my heart and enrages me.
If you’re reading this thinking “they make the bikes” or “you can find larger life jackets”, then yes, you are technically correct.
These things often do exist – to a point. There is an upper limit to even the largest rated life jacket, and there is an upper limit to even the heaviest rated bike. At some point, there is a human who cannot find equipment that works for their body. And even when we can find it – It’s punitively expensive, and hard to locate. I just don’t have the personal budget to order specialty items for every potential instance in my life. And it’s still a disadvantage that this burden falls on me.
Case and Point – Shopping for camp chairs at Canadian Tire:
Standard Camp Chair:
Oversized Chair:
This is the only chair that Canadian Tire sells that is rated for above 300 lbs and it doesn’t have arm rests. The cost is 4 times the price of their ‘normal’ camp chair. Even their “Premium Oversized” chair had a max capacity of 300 lbs. The standard chair had 133 in stock. This chair is out of stock in my local store, and only has 1 in stock in another store in town. I do not want this ugly, uncomfortable looking, overpriced chair. I just don’t. But I will give Canadian Tire credit where it’s due – they at least display their weight limits in an easy to find location. I was going to do this demonstration using a local bike store, but their site had ZERO weight restriction information posted.
Fuck Diet Culture.
Diet culture tells us that people are fat because they are lazy. They won’t get out and exercise, they aren’t moving their bodies, so they get fat. Anecdotally this seems true – look at your average bike track or climbing wall, not a fat person to be found. But it’s not that simple. When there are no safe ways for people in larger bodies to participate in these activities – how do you expect us to be active?
Recognize your thin privilege.
Thin privilege is getting to assume that you can safely participate in the activities you’re interested in. Thin privilege is being able to buy the bike on sale, or secondhand, it’s getting to borrow someone else’s life jacket. Thin privilege is never having to think twice about whether or not you can play with your son on the playground.
Be considerate.
Look. I want to be clear. I am not begrudging people in thinner bodies who have easier access to these things. I’m not even upset if you’re the host of a cabin weekend, and you don’t have a life jacket for me. That would be amazing, but impractical. However, with a little extra consideration, individuals can help their fat friends feel safe in these situations. And with changes made by stores and manufacturers to be more inclusive, they can remove these barriers.
When you invite me to your cabin, mention “We have a boat, and we love going out, however, we only have these sizes of life jackets” – that would give me enough time to rent or buy one of my own, ensuring I can join in. When you’re hosting a backyard BBQ, tell me to bring my own chair so that I can ensure I have comfortable seating I feel safe in. If I tell you “Oh, I don’t have a Bike, but you go ahead” – either leave me alone, or switch activities. Don’t tease and bully me assuming I’m opting out because I’m just lazy.
Make your communications inclusive.
If you are worried about making your friend uncomfortable, or hurting their feelings by bringing the subject up – I PROMISE they will be relieved. Us fat people are aware that we’re fat. We will not be surprised. We will be so appreciative that our friend was kind enough to notice our needs and help us address them. And if you’re still worried about singling anyone out, then just start making these conversations part of your normal communications. Having a group of people over for a backyard BBQ? Tell them all to bring their own chairs. Having a group of people over to go boating? Communicate in a group email the life jackets you have available and indicate it might be best if everyone rented their own to ensure they fit.
Make your business inclusive.
If you operate a business or own a playground, the literal least you can do is research and post the weight limits on your equipment. At least then I wouldn’t have to guess or ask. But in an ideal world – these industries would realize fat people exist. And that we are humans who want to participate in society. They should do an audit on their spaces and their equipment to ensure that all potential customers feel safe and welcomed there. Companies like All Go are willing to help you complete this audit and design your spaces.
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